Why Porn Is A Pacifier

May 11, 2020

 

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Welcome to Husband Material, where we help Christian men quit pornography so you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

 

Today we are talking about why porn is a pacifier. Think about it. Most of us got exposed to pornography when we were young, when we were little kids, and as time went on, it was always there for us. It provided relief when we felt stressed. It provided a sense of power and control when we felt like life was horrible and hard. Porn provided emotional relief. It was the secret way that we soothed ourselves. It was like a pacifier that we could always have it in our pocket and take it out in the bedroom or in the bathroom when we just want it to escape the world.

 

Most people don't view porn this way. They don't realize how this all works. They either think porn is not a big deal, or they think it's a horrible monster. I want to give you a different perspective today. I want you to see porn as your pacifier.

 

It's still a problem. It's stunting your sexual development. You're never going to grow up and mature into a sexual adult who can effectively love somebody in a real relationship if you're still struggling with porn. On the other hand, fighting it does not help. Trying to destroy your pacifier or join a pacifier recovery group doesn't work. Because it's your pacifier, you have a love hate-relationship with porn. And until you can understand exactly how you're using it as a pacifier to cope with your childhood pain, you're never going to get free.

 

Porn was a pacifier for me, too. It was how I dealt with abandonment and anger. It was my secret way of soothing myself. I fought against that for so long, and in the end I realize it's a battle you can never win. Even if you get hundreds of victories in this battle, all it takes is one defeat to make you feel like you're back there at the beginning. 

 

This is what I call the military mindset. It's when you think, "I need to fight pornography like it's a battle, so I'm going to try to overpower it, and if I can't, I'm going to flee it. I'm going to run away." Ultimately this just intensifies that love-hate relationship.

 

The first step to outgrow the military mindset is to name how pornography has not only been a problem, it has also been a solution to deeper problems.

 

I was training to be certified as a PSAP (Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional) when one of my professors, Adrian Hickmon, said this, “porn saved your life." I was like, what? What do you mean by that? He was trying to say that when we were kids, this pacifier helped us deal with the emotional pain that we were experiencing. And in that way, it actually may have prevented us from seeking to soothe ourselves in more destructive, harmful, and risky ways.

 

Maybe I didn't get into drugs because I had porn. Maybe I never had sex with another girl when I was a kid because I had porn available. So in some ways, I actually needed to actually learn how to appreciate pornography. Let me be clear here: I'm not saying porn is a blessing. Rather, I'm appreciating the fact that my sexuality is good, my emotional needs need to be met, porn played a role in helping me survive.

 

Until you can see how porn pacified your sexual and emotional needs when life was hard, you'll never be able to see how you can find a better solution for those needs.

 

When you see that porn is your pacifier, it's no longer your biggest problem. It's the symptom of deeper problems. For me that was emotional abandonment, feeling rejected, feeling like I had no one to talk to, feeling like no one really understood me, feeling like I didn't belong. We all turn to porn for different reasons, but we all turn to the same pacifier.

 

So what are the reasons for your porn use? Once you can identify those, then you can appreciate the false solution porn provided, and begin to seek better solutions. This is true freedom: where you don't even have to fight the battle anymore. The war is over. You're not fighting, you're not fleeing. You are just putting down your pacifier.

 

Now think about it. If you had a pacifier when you were a kid, did you ever have to get a pacifier accountability partner? Did you ever have to join a pacifier recovery group? No. As you developed and as you grew, you put down that pacifier because you didn't need it anymore. As you grew up, you found better ways to soothe yourself and get your needs met. That is when the healing journey begins: when you stop fighting porn AND stop fleeing porn so you can start examining your pacifier. This will liberate you to choose more powerful ways to find intimacy, to find connection, to find belonging, and to find the self confidence that God has created you for.

 

My professor, Adrian Hickmon, put it like this: Porn was your lifejacket. It helped you stay afloat when the storms of life were raging all around you. But as you grew up into an adult, that lifejacket turned to stone, and now it's sinking you to the bottom of the ocean. So in order to save your life now, you need to take off that life jacket. In order to let it go even though you love it so much, first you need to see and name how it helped you when you were younger.

 

That's what understanding your pacifier is all about. If you want to go deeper into understanding why you are drawn to specific types of pornography, watch the sexual fantasy framework. This is a free video course I created with Jay stringer to show you how to face your sexual fantasies, see the stories behind them, and stop living in the past. In other words, how to outgrow your pacifier.

 

Always remember, my friend, you are God's beloved son...in you He is well-pleased!

 

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