How To Find Allies (Without Being Awkward)

quick tips Feb 09, 2020



Today, we're talking about Allies.

We used to call them accountability partners, but I'm glad we've moved on to allies because it's less syllables and also because it really describes the core of what an accountability partner is supposed to be.

For me, the term "accountability partner" always sounded like the Porn Police: somebody to check up on my bad behavior and make sure I'm in line. That just doesn't work.

There's so much more to accountability. There's so much more to supporting somebody who struggles with porn.

I like to think of allies as true friends. Somebody who you could talk about anything with, including your sexual struggles. Somebody who listens, somebody who encourages you, who prays with you, who preaches the gospel to you, who calls you, who gets together with you.

That's what true friends do. They have each other's backs and they're proactive, not reactive. They don't just call somebody when they feel like it.

They invest. They're intentional and one of the only reasons is because I've had amazing men in my life: Christian men who came alongside me and held me while I was healing from porn.

So that's what I want for you. I want to set you up with some allies, man.

Today you'll learn:

  • The 2 Types of Allies
  • 10 Ways To Find Them
  • How To Know If You're A Good Fit

I care about allies a lot. You can tell I'm passionate. It's because they've had so much power in my life and when they haven't been there, I've had my worst seasons of relapse.

In 2014, I graduated college and I lost my entire support system. I lost all my allies. It was a recipe for relapse and that was my worst, most difficult season of sexual recovery. But when I got my allies back, I got back on the road. I was making progress again, so I just want to say thank you.

Shout out to Adam Callaway. Andrew Thompson, Daniel Cummings, Zack Smiley, Roman Czerwinski, Corbin Rankin, Bill Hood. You guys were there for me when I needed you. Pete Rizzo, Hezekiah Franklin, I needed you in 2015 and you were there for me. Thank you. For everyone else watching, I want to set you up with guys like that.

The two types of allies you can have:

  1.  In-Person
  2. Online

In-person is always better. Having somebody in the flesh, face to face, cannot be replaced. Even if you have online allies, you still need to be meeting with people in person.

And with your in-person allies, you can supplement that with online communication, with video calls, with phone calls, with text messages. Digital devices make it possible for you to stay connected to your allies when you're not with them.

Because let's face it, in our busy lives, we're not usually with our in-person allies. So you've got to have an online component. If you don't have in-person allies, you're going to want to look for online allies. I'll help you do both.

In-Person Allies

  1. Talk to your Pastor - At a church, people don't usually talk about their problems with porn in public, but they will talk to a pastor and I guarantee you that your pastor knows about some men who have this struggle who need help. They might be perfect allies for you.  
  2. Attend a Men's Ministry Event - People in men's ministry care a lot about this. They might have an immature, militaristic approach to fighting the battle for pornography, but, hey, they care. They're Christians, they're men, and you might find a great ally by talking to some people at a men's ministry event. Maybe the men's ministry even includes sexual support groups.
  3.  Join a Group- Only about 7% of churches have a ministry to people struggling with porn, although thanks to ministries like Pure Desire and 423 Communities, that number is going up. If you can't find one at a nearby church, try looking for a 12-step group.
  4. Visit A Local 12-Step Chapter - Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous. Those are places where most of the people are not Christians, but you can learn a lot from them and they can still be strong allies.
  5. Start Your Own Group- You don't need to be free for months or years before you can lead other guys, or at least gather them together to start a group and use it to find some allies.

If you want to lead a group, my book Redeemed Sexuality makes it very easy. We tried to leader-proof it so that you couldn't even mess it up if you were trying.Redeemed Sexuality  is a great resource for you if you want to start your own group.

But that's a high level commitment. If you're not ready for that, that's okay.

Online Allies

6. Search NoFap - NoFap has a number of forums for specific categories of people, including Christians. You can explore their forums and communities to find other Christian men who struggle with porn.

7. Fortify - Fortify is an amazing app where you can find a lot of stuff for free. If you subscribe, you can get connected to their private community forums, including communities you can find some Christian allies.

Even if you don't pay for Fortify, you can still use their software to help with your in-person allies. They have a great "SOS Button" where you can push it and it tells all of your allies that you need help.

8. rTribe - rTribe is a free app that connects you with other people in recovery . They have software that matches you up with other Christians who are also looking for allies. Just like the "SOS Button" on Fortify, you can hit the, "I'm Triggered Button" on rTribe, which I have hit many times. My allies started calling and texting me and I was like, "Wow, I'm so supported." 

9. Join an Online Group - I recommend Pure Desire Groups. This is a paid option for those who are willing to make a bigger commitment. They require a certain amount of contact between allies every week and that is really healthy. Pure Desire will help you forge a strong alliance.

10. Husband Material Community - The Husband Material Community is a private Facebook Group specifically for Christian men quitting porn. It's a great place to find Christian guys just like you, on the same journey to freedom.

Here at the end. I promised you I would share with you my number one secret to making sure that a potential ally is a good fit for you and that you'll work well together.

It's called the Ally Assessment.

This is a free quiz that will tell you what type of ally you are AND what type of ally you need. You can compare your quiz results to the results of your potential ally and see if you're compatible. Super easy, zero awkwardness.


How To Transform Your Triggers: The F.L.O.S.S. Method (Part 1)

Jul 15, 2024